Thursday, October 27, 2005

Dracula Fights Idiots

I'm now just under halfway through the Essential Tomb of Dracula vol. 1, and what has struck me most is that Dracula, in general, is fighting opponents with the relative tactical ability of a cheese sandwich.

I mean, he's constantly running away from a group of people who have yet to mount anything even resembling a notable threat to his wellbeing! These people seem to forget on a nightly basic the most general vampire rules, and approach Dracula as if they can overpower him solely with the strength of their purple prose.

Rachel Van Helsing, who has the great honour of being the granddaughter (I think) of the world's foremost vampire authority and dispatcher, has developed an irrational attachment to a weapon that, over the past 11 or so issues, has not even managed to nick Dracula. She clings ferevently to her belief that the crossbow is the weapon of choice when it comes to taking on the King of the Vampires. Even when presented with modern, specially designed anti-vampire artillary, she refuses to even consider the posibility of switching. This leads to at least one scene in every single issue where she fires a crossbow bolt at Dracula, and it passes harmlessly through him when he turns to mist. As he does every time a crossbow bolt is shot at him.

While I respect her desire to remain constant, it gets to the point where even Dracula himself is mocking her. I mean, when the guy you're fighting is laughing at the weapon you've brought for the umpteenth time to the battle, it might be time to seriously consider a swap.

And speaking of swaps, she might want to think about dropping uber-WASP beau Frankie Drake, who has turned out to be even more of a lame-duck series lead than I had feared. Frankie is consumed, for no discernable reason, with the fear that he carries the threat of vampirism with him, depsite all evidence suggesting that the affliction is in no way genetic but rather the result of being bit. By. A. Vampire.


Thank god they introduce Blade in issue 10, because the old crazy guy in the wheelchair was turning out to be the most competant fighter in the group. No, I'm not kidding. He's the only one of the core group to have even scored a hit on Dracula. Which does not in any way prevent Frankie from making all sorts of fervent threats every time Drac sails away undisturbed by the Wack Pack.

"Come back here Dracula! What, are you scared?! Go ahead, run away, you coward!

...oh crap, he's circling back this way, everyone into the Oldsmobile!!"

Frankie Drake, ladies and gentlemen. Your hero. First class weiner.

(and yet I'm still really enjoying these stories. I know, it doesn't make any sense to me either!)


Blogger Sleestak said...

I can't disagree with your assesment of the Anti-Vamp Crew. Everytime they went up against Dracula they got their asses handed to them and even killed a baby by accident. Dracula saw them mostly as an annoyance, like sugar in the gas tank of a bulldozer, or sand in your underwear. He humiliated them on nearly every battle. He once summed up his opinion of Harker's and his weapons, that a new one was much more useful than the 'trick whip with the silver tip'.

This was likely very much on purpose by writer Marv Wolfman, who used the ridiculous comic book arsenal to fight what was basically a force of nature. You will see what I mean if you read the entire run of ToD. I won't spoil, but wait until you see what finally kills Dracula at the end of his series.

6:51 PM  
Blogger Jhunt said...

My assumption, based upon a careful examination of the first 15 or so issues of ToD, would be that he dies of a fatal giggle-fit. I truly hope that is not the case.

12:17 PM  

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