Monday, October 10, 2005

James Coburn Could Kick My Ass

I'm starting to come to the sad realization that I might not enjoy super-spy movies. I'd like to think that I'm the kind of movie lover that has an appreciation for all genres of film, but this may not be the case. The reason for this burgeoning self-realization: Our Man Flint.

This seemed like a movie that could be a lot of fun to watch. It was reportedly one of the main influences on the Austin Powers, the trailer looked sufficiently goofy and colorful, and James Coburn. I just couldn't see how a super-spy movie starring Coburn could be anything but a hoot. And actually, Coburn's performance was great. He clearly didn't take this role very seriously, which was probably the best decision he could have made. He smirks his way through the movie, in seeming disbelief of the things he is being asked to do.

Now, I knew James Coburn wasn't a stocky man, but it wasn't until I saw Our Man Flint that I realized what a tall drink of water he was. His mod tailered suits make him look to be about 9 feet tall, weighing maybe a buck-thirty. Dude is skinny. Maybe that's one of the reason his "feats of valor and derring-do" fall so flat. Yeah, and maybe it's that he demonstrates karate with the approximate grace of fat Vegas Elvis. Maybe.

Still, the bad fight scenes are part of the charm of a cheesy super-spy movie, right? True enough. But between the nonsensical plot, and wooden performances from everyone besides Coburn, the movie dragged. Everytime they would cut away from Flint, the proceeding ground to a halt. It's like this movie starred James Coburn and a bunch of Haittian zombie people. Actually, that would be a gerat movie, so I guess not.

Anyways, Flint's got these four girlfriends (Hefner-style), and thank god they're all color-coded, because none of them display any character traits beyond blind subservience to Flint. Let me just clarify here: Flint has four hot 60s girlfriends, and I was completely bored everytime they were on screen. It's insane.

There's another main girl, an evil counter-spy chick, and all I remember about her is that during one scene, she pretends to be asleep and observes Flint stealing her keys, as she intended. After he leaves, she immediately radios her superiors to let them know that the trap is set, and Flint is on his way. What does she do next? Well, she goes right back to sleep. That is one cool as ice motherf**ker. Or the script is stupid. You make the call.

I still enjoy Connery Bond movies on one level, but I think I'm at the point where most older super-spy movies are going to have to be watched while I'm reading something else. They have their fun moments, but have massive pacing and acting problems that make them less than engrossing.

Here's something bad-ass Flint does in the movie though. He's a little tense after taking on the big assigment, so what does Our Man Flint do to relax? He stops his heart for a few hours. See, I just would have had a nap or a bath. And that's the reason why I'm not a super-spy. The only reason.


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