Wednesday, November 23, 2005

The Stupid Patrol Runs From Dracula


Pop quiz, hotshot. You’re a full-time vampire hunter. Count Dracula is your sworn enemy, and you’ve vowed to destroy him more times than you can remember. He’s killed your friends, your family, and has threatened to end the lives of everyone you hold dear.

You’ve attacked him countless times, devoting every second of each day to either the preparation or execution of an attack on Dracula. However, every time you strike, he laughs in your face and repulses you with ease. No matter what you throw at him, you and your team are lucky to just escape with your lives.

Now, put yourself in a situation where you have the upper hand. You are stranded in the Transylvanian Alps with Dracula. He’s weakened; he hasn’t tasted blood in days. He can’t change from his human form because of the howling winds. He’s keeping you alive in case he needs you as a food source.

Suddenly, from above, salvation! A majestic mountain ram, just as hungry and desperate as Dracula himself, drops from an overhanging ledge. Dracula is overpowered at once! He is completely unable to defend himself, the ram’s teeth sink into his flesh. All you have to do is watch, and he will be torn to pieces by the mighty beast. The culmination of your life’s quest rises before you.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

Well, if you’re Rachel Van Helsing in Tomb of Dracula #20, you SHOOT the RAM because you can’t bear to see it kill DRACULA!

I repeat, she kills the wild animal to save Count Dracula. While sobbing.

Sigh.

I think Tomb of Dracula is maybe just lame. I was enjoying it in a superficial, old-skool Marvel way, but this is just ridiculous. I find early nineties Image comics to have more credible plot twists.

I need you to understand how much this frustrated me. I was reading it last night in our hotel room, and even though I wasn’t yet tired enough to go to sleep, I had to put the damn book down out of sheer irritation. The should have renamed this book "The Stupid Patrol Runs From Dracula", because that’s what it is.

Tomb of Dracula #20? You suck.

5 Comments:

Blogger kelvingreen said...

Did you see Marvel's latest solicits?

Apocalypse vs Dracula

Yup.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Jhunt said...

That seems to reach for new heights of stupidity, and god bless Marvel for it.

On the other hand, I've got to believe that Apocalypse will pose more of a challenge than the Footsoldiers on the Short Bus..

3:56 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

I do wonder what Dracula gets up to in these long publishing gaps. It's not like he's going to be content to just bum around. He's one of the great Marvel Lords Of Evil, and not the sort of guy you let run around unattended. He should be in Avengers lockup or something.

Although the current Avengers wouldn't be able to lock up his cape, let alone Vlad himself.

10:33 PM  
Blogger Jhunt said...

Oh good god, don't get me started on the sorry state of the Avengers these days. Seriously, if I start talking about my problems with the New Avengers, you'll wake up two days later in a bathtup filled with ice, missing a kidney.

I loathe the New Avengers.

I mean, I miss the Black Knight for god's sake.

10:54 PM  
Blogger kelvingreen said...

Too bloody right.

2:47 PM  

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